July 13, 2012
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Mothers, Daughters, and My First Webcast
I got an interesting email yesterday from a Huff Post Staffer, asking if I was interested in being part of a discussion webcast on mothers and daughters. Sounded like fun, so I went for it. The topic was about if it was possible for mothers and daughters to be friends. Now I’m the first one to get creep-ed out when a woman my age announces that she is BFF’s with her teenaged daughter…but factually speaking, I also acknowledge that the relationship between parents and adult children MUST change in time. The more a child takes responsibility for his or her own life, the less actual “parenting” we do.
Yes, we are “always” going to be mom or dad…but something else needs to fill in the totalitarian nature of the early parental role.
The relationships that always troubled me, were when parents in the name of love, actually crippled their kids by doing too much. I knew one mother daughter team that ended up tragic. The mother constantly gave her daughter not only financial support, but made it possible for her to pursue a worthless advance degree. Despite impressive credentials, her daughter’s field paid a whopping 30K a year…so her parents continued to “supplement” her income, and pay her expenses. One day, her mother got Cancer…and after a year or so died. The daughter faced not only the normal grief—but a sudden shock of losing a lot of her supplemental income. Her dad was far less inclined to subsidize the life his daughter lived. (Not that I blame him, really.)
But this was something you could have seen from a mile off. Neither the daughter, nor her mother were innocent. The daughter accepted a lot more involvement (and therefore control) from her mother in her life than most families would accept, in exchange for extra money. She did not work in high school, college, or grad school…and was perfectly happy to let her mom “drive”, so to speak. I’m not sure they were “friends”, but their dynamic was certainly unusual.
One of the young women on the panel had an odd situation as well. She and her mom are close in age…19 and 40.(Not that close, you might say…but wait.) Apparently her mom was a MILF…the mom in the neighborhood who wore “young clothes”, and was always trying to look hot…and she found herself competing with Mom for guys. OUCH. And yes, inappropriate. She said he mom was NOT her friend…and I got that. But it also sounds like she never was a “mom” either. A few months back, I wrote here about how my daughter and I became close…and I have to admit, I felt guilt about it.
No, I am not one of the women trying to cling desperately to my youth…but I found the panel fascinating. When they put it online, i will leave the link. I wrote over at Facebook that Yes, there does have to be boundaries, but there should NEVER be brick walls…because that is how we lose each other.
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Comments (26)
What a great opportunity to speak about that kind of subject. I too one day will come to face the mother/daughter relationship thresh hold. Can’t wai to see the interview
@thegirlwiththemacbookpro - They asked me to use headphones—and didn’t mention a sound delay…it’s REALLY difficult to sound conversational when you can hear what you said a second before!
you summed it up nicely in your last para. there is the in-between.
and (wow) i was just thinking about this very thing. i could not go out wearing provocative clothes with my daughter. i would certainly wear something close when out to dinner with just the mister. lately, i’ve asked myself how should a young-ish mother dress? but then again, i have always dressed on the conservative side. i am not talking all-the-way-buttoned-up conservative but i suppose the word would be tasteful (i can’t even wear skinny jeans for fear others would perceive i’d want to be like a teen). i never ever want people to think i am competing with my daughter. but funny thing is my mother, i think, competed with me. i hated it. as a result she constantly put me down.
though my daughter considers me her best friend (yes really) and i could not go out partying/drinking with her in the future when she is of age.but that is just me. even now i leave her and her friends alone when they are over. i have no interest in being their friends, though they seem to think i’m cool. maybe it’s more what my kid tells them than any actual personal anecdote.
i’d much rather hang out with women around my age and even older or a bit younger
another thought-provoking post, lisa.
right on
oh and yes i am very much looking forward to watching the discussion
please tag me when you post it
thankya
I have given my son assistance, but it was a one-time thing. Financial relations between adults have to be conditional, or the tendency will be to take the giver for granted.
@bonmots - Thanks lady…and you honor me.
The thing is…there really isn’t ANYTHING wrong with being friends with your daughter. And there can be plenty about it that’s RIGHT. Some of the younger girls were completely freaked at the idea of talking to their moms about “personal stuff”…and I felt bad for them.
I think this is one of the fucked up aspects of our society…our girls (not yours!) don;t have a sense of bonding with the older women. They pity them—or are afraid of them…but no trust.
I talked to Desi before i did the cast, and she said she can trust me because when she DID have questions…even the HARD ones, I was always upfront with her. Once the door opened, I dealt with it. No sense in putting it off, or pushing it away…might as well give it your honest best.
And you are an AWESOME momma.
@RighteousBruin - And that’s a good approach. The girl i was talking about was in her 30′s and her parents were still paying for her cars, and insurance…even clothes.
We had in-law help…but it was a loan, and was repaid…with interest.
@galadrial - why thank you and you are too.
yes, they need to trust you with the hard ones. recently there was something she was completely embarrassed about, one of those personal stuff, but she went ahead and told me and i didn’t bat an eyelash. i was serious and must admit, helpful. she said so and thanked me repeatedly. i think we have to earn their trust, to trust us with the personal stuff. i so want to be of help to her without expecting anything back. no agenda
yes, your honest best. well put
“Yes, there does have to be boundaries, but there should NEVER be brick walls…because that is how we lose each other.”
This describes a parent child relationship personally. I never considered my mother my friend because she was my mother. She was someone I looked up to, admired, trusted, and knew that she only wanted the best for me. A few years ago, my mom started telling me the one of the reasons she was so strict with me was because of my dad. I absolutely resented it when I was a kid. I told her I know how trite and immature she may have felt stating, “your dad said …insert whatever.” It would have saved her a lot of grief because I knew what my dad was like even when I was a kid. I didn’t feel like she was on my side when I was a kid so we argued a lot. I would be very interested in watching the discussion.
I think it is quite silly to not be “friends” with your children. The problem are the people who are only friends with their children and forget to be parents too. My daughter and I will do girly things together and sometimes she has paid for a boba tea for me. lol I actually take her up on that offer.
We do indeed fight about the clothes I wear… she has banned me from owning any polo shirts ever again. She helps me pick out clothes and she has too taste! Sometimes she picks out stuff that I think is too revealing and sometimes I give in and people like it.
I think we really, really need to drop this label that older women are trying to act young by dressing a certain way or dating a certain… we don’t really do that to men unless they are 50-year-olds listening to One Direction and hitting on 20-year-olds. But if a single mom is dating and dates “too much”, she gets labeled even if she isn’t really, really going beyond the boundaries. Of course, competing with your own child for dates is going beyond some serious boundaries. That’s beyond weird and also probably an indication that some man ignored the mom and she sacrificed a lot for a long time and just wants to get back to who she is, but has kinda got lost along the way.
@Erika_Steele - My relationship with my mother was sort of a horror show. She is a Narcissistic Parent…and probably always was. I grew up hearing about her lost fiance, an airman who was shot down in WW2, before they could marry. I know she never got over the loss, and always wondered if she ever loved my dad…but the point is that she not only wasn;t a friend…she really wasn’t a mother either.
Here’s a link on the disorder…it’s helped a few of my friends, who never quite understood what they were doing “wrong” with their parents.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_parents
@TiredSoVeryTired - same here. my daughter and i are friends much in the same way. we shop together and she and i enjoy that. and we have frequent chats. she is pretty open with me
i agree, some neglect being a parent. gawd i have to be the bad guy sometimes but it has to happen
I’m close with my mom, but we’re not BFFs. I’m sure it must be creepy to hang out with your mother or daughter all the time.
I can’t wait to see the full discussion. I am happy for you.
@TiredSoVeryTired - ”The problem are the people who are only friends with their children and forget to be parents too.”
This
@galadrial - I think I am the exact opposite of a Narcissistic parent. I’m more like go out and find you are good at, get better at it, so then you can move out of my house sooner! lmao I’m only somewhat kidding. I don’t understand parents that are so demanding of what their children do without regards to what is actually right and what is actually wrong.
I don’t believe the two states are mutually exclusive…and as our kids grow up, we can’t be the same parent we were when they were young. The relationship MUST change, and it can change for the better.
@TiredSoVeryTired - Parenting is the most confounding, amazing, exhausting, wonderful, frustrating, and inevitably worthwhile commitment we make. And that is exactly what it is. You take it on, not really knowing what is required…but something inside you makes you do your damnedest. If not, you’re a hobbyist, not a mom.
And no two parenting styles are the same. I know some kids who would abuse the CRAP out of the parents if they didn’t take a hard line. I know others who NEVER say no to their kids…and wonder why they never grow up.
Maybe the real secret is knowing who your kid really is. Some parents (not you, of course.) fall in love with a CONCEPT…and try to force their kids into that shape. But if that’s not who they are? It never stops hurting.
@galadrial - Oh, no doubt… the key to parenting is to know your child and parent them according to their needs and personalities. That may mean that if you have three kids like I do, you take three different approaches to them all. And be willing to switch gears if one method isn’t working.
@bonmots - I have no problem being the bad guy when needed. Lol. I discuss the issue and really I’m lucky my kids aren’t bad, they’re greedy sometimes, but not bad. Sometimes we even make deals that I consider fair… today you can’t do X because we are going to do Y, but next week if you still want to do X we can. Things like that, a balance between wants and needs and the bottom line where I am the boss! lol
@IntoTheWind1 - I hate it when a parent doesn’t parent cuz they don’t want to hurt their kids feelings. boohoo!
@galadrial - I clicked this and knew that it would describe my dad. My dad still refuses to see my brother and I as independent adults. It makes me sad to see my mom and my brother trying to please him and I find it amusing that he is still slightly shocked that I still feel and mean what I said to him when I was 12 and I called him on his BS. I am my own person. Lately,he is getting better though. I hope he continues to change so that maybe I can finally relate to him as a person.
@Erika_Steele - My mother is in her 80′s…and still a cruel, angry woman. I keep my distance. I put up with it for years, without question…and then when Desi was about 9, my mother went after HER…and that’s when I grew a spine.
No WAY I would let her pull her stuff on my child.
When Desi was 14, I reconnected. She has a relationship with her grandmother…but is wary. Last time we saw her, she lectured my daughter on the “evils of steroids”. Desi used a nose spray with steroids in them…and no amount of logic could convince my mother that Desi wasn’t “shooting up”.
@TiredSoVeryTired - I’ve watched that with friends. I had just one child, by choice. It ended up being a good one. Desi needed a LOT of time and attention, and had I had another child, it would have gotten shorted attention. Once I dealt with the doctors and the school district, and got her into high school, I was in my mid 40′s…but she was plenty for me.
Wonderful post. Because I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother, I have always been conscious of mine with my daughter.
very insightful analysis. i was born in ’62. can tell you from hard experience that men are no better off when it comes to the ambiguities of our generation. but here we both are, huh?
making it go nevertheless. we may not be “the greatest generation” but we understand a few things those older guys don’t.
@complicatedlight - Nice to meet you…and thanks.
I’ve been accused of “over thinking”…but rarely am I taken by surprise!