November 3, 2012

• Doing Wrong & Doing Right

  I got in a tussle last night with HP poster.

  Perhaps you heard about the tragedy—a nanny stabbed two of her charges, and tried to kill herself. One child is dead…the other clinging to life. Most of the posters want her to fry…but I had a slightly different perspective.

  1. The woman is clearly mentally unstable.

  2. The parents traveled to her home land in South America to meet her family before they hired her…most would agree, that’s an expensive screening method.

  3. They quarreled with her over additional duties a month before the disaster.

  4. In that month…they didn’t notice anything…ANYTHING that would be a red flag?

   

  When Desi was young, I ran into a sticky problem at one of her swim classes. Two young boys came each week with a young nanny—and the girl was clearly overwhelmed by the job. One day, she slammed one of the kids into a locker…and I wanted to do something. But what? I had no idea who the parents were…had never seen them. I mentioned it to the women who ran the swim class…they just shrugged. “It happens”. I got my chance a few weeks later, when the boys showed up with their grandparents.  There were at least two other moms like me, but I was the one who walked over, gave them my number, and suggested that the parents give me a call, because I thought the nanny was abusing the  kids.

  That night, I got a call from the Mom. She was a mid-level executive with Verizon. She thanked me for telling the grandparents…yada yadda…but as the conversation developed, it was clear that SHE HAD NO INTENTION of doing ANYTHING. She’d been through several nannies—and this one was the best. She was so busy—and on and on. At one point, she said something about “You have no idea how difficult it is…being a working parent.”

   

  Actually…I did. I worked nights and weekends so I could be available for my daughter…so I could make things like swim classes. We didn’t have the income to afford a live in nanny—nor a house lavish enough to house one. And I wanted to raise my daughter myself…so we made the commitment to less income, so Desi could have an at home parent. But had I chosen differently, I would have not only FIRED a nanny for slamming my kid around, I would have called the police…and possibly jumped her myself. For damned certain, had a stranger contacted me, i would have DONE something. Excuses don’t cut it.

   

  Now the joker at Huff Post claimed I was in the wrong…because I hadn’t done ENOUGH. He didn’t think much of my waiting to contact the grandparents.

   

  Oh really? I wonder when he last did “something” aside from looking the other way.

  It’s a hard call. I thought I had done the right thing. The other moms didn’t do anything. The teachers looked the other way. I was not happy with myself for not doing something sooner…but I DID do something. Later, a friend who was in the class with us told me she was not surprised.  She said some people just didn’t take parenting the same way we did. They considered the financial end to be the be all and end all. They were “providing” for their kids.  Just like the NY parents. But I also know people who didn’t want to pay more than $200 a week for their child care…who paid 2K a MONTH…for parking.  So they hired illegals. They hired college kids. If they insisted on white nannies, they hired Mormon girls, and supplied them with room and board.

  The thing is…you are letting a stranger take care of your children. Most of the time, it works out fine. But sometimes…

   

  So…wrong and right. I was accused of doing “wrong”, because I waited to contact a family. But the same label was not applied to a family that missed the point that their nanny was melting down. I wonder how many times a day they saw her—or talked to her. I wonder if they wrote off her behavior to being upset about their criticism of her house keeping skills? She had told her family she had been hired to care for the kids—not to clean the house. The parents say they offered to pay her extra…but seriously…sounds like they were trying for cheap labor. They already had one paid servant…why bother with another?

   

  And I am not BLAMING the parents. We do what we think or feel is correct. I know of no one who did the wrong thing on purpose. But kids are not getting the care they need. Even the best, most loving child care is NOT a parent. I’ve often wondered if the sudden spike in ADD kids hasn’t come in part from people assuming kids will raise themselves…because the last two decades haven’t been about much else. The thing is…if you do the wrong thing, no matter how good your intentions…you can’t take it back. I’m sure those NY parents wish they never hired that woman now…but their grief changes nothing. Kids deserve better. They don’t ask to be born. When we choose to have them, they deserve the best we know how…not just the best we can do…or can hire someone else to  do for us.

   

  • 8:38 am
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