December 10, 2012
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How Do You Say “I Really Wish You Wouldn’t” Politely?
A few days back, I had surgery on my ankle—which seems to be doing the trick.
Getting to the surgery was a nightmare…but one of my neighbors very kindly drove me, and got me home after. As favors go, it was a biggie. I feel like I owe her a serious debt, and I intend to find a way to repay the kindness.
Now…the problem.
I am private about my spiritual beliefs.
I don’t engage in conversations with ANYONE about them, nor do I consider them suitable material for a discussion, lively or otherwise. I consider such things personal…as personal in fact as one’s sexual practices. (You may have noted I don’t talk about THOSE either?) I try not to insult, or degrade anyone for their beliefs…but it drives me up the wall when I get cornered by someone who feels they MUST share them with me. In short, I find it offensive. I have tried over the years to convey that, sometimes gently…other times more emphatically when a person simply refuses to get the point.
I don’t believe you can bully, strong arm, or harass a person into sharing your beliefs…period.
I don’t think God approves of that sort of thing…but that’s just my opinion.
Which brings me back to my neighbor. I really don’t want to be curt, and offend her…but tonight she showed up with a whole LOT of religious materials for me to “consider” while I am healing. There was no gentle way to tell her how offended I was…or how pushy I consider the action, so I said nothing. But I am very sure she will have “questions” for me, and I consider it wretched to be trapped like that. (Remember…I can’t exactly run away.)
So I am asking you, Kindly Xanga folks…do you have any suggestions about how to gently but FIRMLY make the lady understand that I can’t “that sort of friend” to her?
She is very sweet…but that is one issue that truly drives me insane…and silence will not work for long.
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Comments (13)
I was in a similar situation when I worked in retail. A woman came in and I was helping her look for something. She then proceeded to ask me if I was Christian. To be polite, I told her that I wasn’t and that I’m actually Buddhist. She then went into her schpeel about why I should convert, that God provides this and that, and so on. All I could do was say, “Thank you, but I’m fine with my religious beliefs.” I just have to keep repeating, “Thanks, but no thanks.”
I think that’s the nicest, but most direct way you can go forward with this situation. You just have to keep saying, “Thanks, but no thanks.” or “Thank you, but I’m fine and comfortable at where I sit with my spiritual/religious beliefs.”
It’s difficult to recommend a solution because how anything you say to her is taken is dependent upon her demeanor and her character when presented a thanks but no thanks.
I’m happy to hear your ankle surgery seems to be doing the trick.
Just to help you laugh this off, here: Jim Gaffigan – Jesus
I think I would just say what you said here. There is nothing rude in what this post says. Tell her religion and spirituality are private matters to you and thank her for sharing her beliefs but you don’t feel comfortable talking about religion.
@laytexduckie - Thanks Duckie…that was great!
@Erika_Steele - And thank you Erika…I think I will have to…I just genuinely loathe being put in a position where I have to talk to someone about it, period.
@TheSutraDude - Thanks Dude…I am actually getting around without crutches!
@galadrial - You’re welcome. That is great news!
Hope you heal soon.
Hrm… Be honest about yourself and your beliefs about your own beliefs. It is the right of a friend to be advised. If she can’t handle it or come around then kudos to you, not a good friend. But since it’s a neighbor, they’ll just have to learn, in that regard use as much tact as you have the sense and patience to. If you have none (because it will go straight under your skin), then avoid the person altogether since you can’t just move yourself. If you can deal, then you can oblige her a bit as a buffer, not about your beliefs, but thoughts on hers (which is what she asked), though that might be doubling the damage depending on her character.
I agree with the others who have said to tell her that you just don’t talk about that kind of thing. Unfortunately, some people simply don’t get it until you are actually rude to them. Maybe you could just avoid answering the door when you see her out there. If she asks where you were, tell her you didn’t hear the bell.
mh. I can relate. I know a woman who is very spiritual, compared to myself. Not actually religous but I don’t believe what she believes. She often recommended things to me. Her daughter does that too. I do not feel offended, but I feel bad when they are putting so much effort into it, and I don’t really approve. In the beginning I pretended to think about it. Then I didn’t know how to get out. However, I thought anyone can think about stuff and then decide it’s not the right thing for them.
So finally that’s what I did…I said that I came to the conclusion (well I knew it before but she doesn’t know) that this kind of approach isn’t anything for me. The daughter is very accepting- I told her I don’t think negatively of her beliefs but that there are things that no one really knows and in the end it’s just not how I tend to think about the universe. As for the mother I don’t know, I hope she doesn’t keep pushing. Maybe if you tell someone that it’s good to use the word arrogant or something similiar…like: “I don’t know
everything
of course…ya know, that would be kinda arrogant to claim that. So I see why you would think this way and I respect it, but it’s just not what
I
believe”. That should shut her up, because it makes your point on pushiness very clear. Also say something nice to her like that it’s really sweet she drove you etc. so she sees it’s nothing personal (against her belliefs).
@PocketfulOfDreams - The thing is, it’s HER beliefs…not mine. The way she is going about this SHOWS that she knows on some level that it isn’t working. Why does she believe that she can “con” me into seeing things her way?
SIGH * even Believers get that. I get right offended that everytime my deist husband sees his evangelical step family, they have to witness to him. I want to yell at them to back off but my husband just smiles and nods. I told him to tell them off but he won’t. He said he is bigger than that to insist his way is right. He takes the HIGHER road. LOL but I suggest handing the literature back and tell them it was a nice thought but you feel it is a personal decision.
I would thank her for her friendship and tell her that this is not your cup of tea. I do not discuss my spirituality and other intimate things either and I respect the rights of others when these things come up for discussion.