Several years back, I lost one of my best friends to colon cancer.

I think about Craig.

I mourn him, and wish he were around to talk to…or even just hug.

I miss his wisdom, and smart ass ways. And I don’t think anyone will ever be able to fill the hole he left in my heart. But when he was dying, we talked…a lot. We discussed all sort of things—no holding back. The result was that when he died, we didn’t have any “big issues”, or unspoken things. I can grieve for him, without grieving the unfinished business between us. I know everyone suffers loss…friends, family, lovers…but if you have the time, I suggest you use it wisely.

Remember that they are processing too. They are scared too. They have questions, and things they NEED to say. If you just cry at them, they won’t do it. It feels too much like they are hurting you…and they don’t want to. It’s not for the weak…the task of being a person of respite. Someone who can bear to hear what someone dying might need to express. But I believe everyone needs such a friend. And i don’t think shrinks, therapists, or support groups will do the trick. It has to be someone they know and love enough to trust.  Just saying it to strangers is just a partial fix.

So if someone you know is seriously ill…think about being THAT person for them.

You can say “I love you” 10,000 times…but too often all it means is “please don’t die”…a promise they can’t keep. So…try and figure out what you BOTH need to say…and get said. It will be a help to them…and you later.

If love is supposed to be about putting someone else’s needs above your own, there is no kinder, or better gift.

And yes…it will hurt when they die. You will be left alone with the grief. But the fact is, you have the time that they do not. If you want to be able to think of them someday without tears…if you want them to be someone you can love for the rest of your life, without hurt, TALK to them…and let them talk to you. I know it seems like there are never enough words…but saying too little, and regretting it is ALWAYS worse.

I lost my dad when i was 17. A sudden stroke put him in a coma, and a week later, he died. I never got to say a word to him again…and that has been one of the great pains of my life. I often wished I had had the time…to say what I felt. Instead he was gone in days…and it was years before I could remember him without tears. It was almost a decade before I could remember his smile…or the sound of his laughter.

The thing is…when you love someone, you are ALWAYS at risk for grief. You can deal with the reality, or spend precious minutes mourning…before you must.

Me? I’ll take the time I am given…if I have half a chance.

Namaste.

I am not usually surprised by much these days. Call it the side benefit of living a complicated life. Over the years, my taste in movies has changed, and I have had this love/hate relationship with Quentin Tarantino that dates back to Pulp Fiction. Gratuitous violence is not my thing…and in the earlier films, it was like butter on popcorn for him. Really gross, dripping red butter. But like the quirky guy you meet by off chance, and sort of like…QT grows on you. By the time he got to Kill Bill, I could no longer dismiss or ignore him. And QT grew up in a fascinating way. I loved his unsubtle mockery of the Hollywood mainstream…and the violence was still there…but he made Deathproof, and Planet Terror and became a guilty pleasure for me. And why the hell NOT? Curse you, Quentin Tarantino…i do not WANT to love you…but I do.

I give him all kinds of credit for being an innovative thinker…and were I young actress today, I would be baking that man cookies, hoping he would put me in one of his movies. Like Joss Whedon, he shows amazing respect for women, allowing them to be much more than the cute cut outs we’ve all come to expect. If you run through his catalog, you’re not going to find much sex…sexy outfits perhaps…but they usually stay on. The women overcome obstacles, and kick ass. No Betty Sues need apply. Hard not to sort of love that, when you are raising a young woman to be self reliant.

I shamelessly ADORED Inglorious Basterds…but were supposed to. it was world class seduction. Tarantino looked around, and asked “Who’s ass can I kick, and be praised for it?” He always went after bad guys…but Nazis? The none group you can target  for destruction, and not raise a hue and cry. They’re BAD GUYS DELUXE. Plus, we kicked their asses. Our fathers and grandfathers told us war stories, and the Nazis were SUPPOSED to lose. Bonus points for making the band of brothers who took them out Jewish…wow. I liked the movie so much, I barely noticed the violence. Score Big, QT.

So I vowed in my heart that Inglorious Basterds would be my beloved QT film..and then he came out with Django Unchained. I had not seen the movie the night of the Oscars…but I rooted for QT, nonetheless. I was pissed about some of the stink that rose with it’s release. When Spike Lee does a film, it’s revelation. When someone else does, it’s exploitation? BITE ME. I hated that the film was snubbed, and noticed that it made more money than most of it’s competitors. (Yeah, I know…that’s not SUPPOSED to matter. But cut me a small break.) And sight unseen, I knew part of the snub was because they LOVE to do that to QT. Ever since the Usual Suspects, they have delighted in screwing with him, quite possibly because he doesn’t CARE. Film making is what he is about…film making is what he does. I saw Hurt Locker, and fell the hell asleep. The only reason that film scored was so they could snub Cameron, while looking heroic. It should have been named “Even Chick Directors Can Blow Stuff UP.” Pass. (I also had friends who served in Iraq, who said it was bullshit.)

How can a film generate a “Best Performance By a Supporting Actor” unless it utterly rocks? Even truly magnificent actors can’t salvage a turkey. Nope…it’s all connected.

Anyway…I went to see Django last night with Desiree. (With frozen yogurt before…also her treat.)

Holy crap.

OMG..he so deserved that OSCAR. Now mind you…it is a love story. Yes, you read that right. But the hand of the master was all over this one. Yup…violence. Of course, I’m not sure how you do a movie about slavery in the pre-civil war deep South, and not have violence as a feature. But it’s also a love story, about impossible odds…improbable people who refuse to say “die”…even when death is looking them in the eye…Tarantino style. It has humor here and there…but it’s SO worth a watch.

Congrats QT…you deserved that little gold guy…and if you ever come around Boston, drop me a line…I’ll make you dinner.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-things-politicians-will-never-understand-about-poor-people/

It’s ironic that a humor site can so completely nail an issue.

This for those prim a donas who roam Xanga,  cursing out working poor, and other “leeches”.

Sorry if it shoots a hole in your rhetoric…oh wait. I’m not.

I occasionally feel compelled to answer an idiot.

(call it a nervous tic)

In an article about a Fox News talking head, who INSISTED that “rape doesn’t really happen in colleges”, I noticed a reply from a young guy who IDENTIFIED himself as a “christian”. (So let’s be clear…not “christian bashing”.) He said he avoided the “sort” of situations where things could get out of hand…and that if girls did too, “rape would not happen.”.

AHEM.

He also identified himself as a college student. So I decided I will actually OUTLINE what was wrong with his casual (and damned stupid) post.

First and foremost, clearly our “educated” young prince is a bit vague on the meaning of the word ” rape. “

noun

A few hours ago, they arrested a man in Newark Airport for carrying a loaded gun in his carry on luggage. He claims that he “forgot” it was in there.

I claim that anyone that “forgetful” should not be in possession of a firearm.

People were not allowed to carry NAIL CLIPPERS for years after 9-11.

You still can’t carry a bottle of water on a plane. Or into an amusement park…or a court house.

Anyone THAT stupid or mentally impaired should NOT be near a gun.

It’s not like keys, or your wallet. It’s something that can fire and KILL someone.

And anyone who had a problem with it is BULLSHIT when they say that they support “lawful use” of guns…because this WASN’T.

Information that YOU DON’T POST ON THE NET, unless you are a child, or a congenital idiot.

What part of that is vague?

Hi guys.

I know you’re all pretty darned shaken, since your most mediocre (and please…don’t tell me Romney was your “best and brightest”, he simply had the thickest wallet.) did not succeed in ousting Obama. Usually after a defeat, there is introspection, and retrospection—a real examination of what went wrong. But instead, there has been this AWFUL public display of poor sportsmanship. I’ve seen FIVE YEAR OLDS react better to losing a round of Candy-land. And last week, one of your gurus suggested the GOP had a “messaging” problem. No…we heard you…loud and clear. It was just that the message SUCKED. No, we don’t want “free stuff”. But with so many people trying to keep heart and soul together during an employment crisis, we need to know why y’all think the upper management DESERVE to earn hundred of times more than their rank and file. We don’t understand why you persist in believing that the working poor and middle class are DOING something wrong, and deserve their poverty…and they DO work hard. Suggesting otherwise is arrogant…to say the least. We question why you persist in believing that the “playing field” is level…and “anyone has the same shot”, when clearly that has been untrue for years.

We’ve watched as thousands upon thousands of mid level jobs LEFT our shores…only to have you crown the people who sent them “Job makers”. The idea is to make jobs HERE…not Bangladesh. The concept is not to accuse us on “not being competitive” with a wage of sixty cents an hour.  We are not lazy people…so stop calling us that. Oh…and you might put a sock in it about contraception. If you want to stop abortion, contraception is the best way. And demonizing women on one hand for having babies, then condemning them for getting abortions? Well you’re starting to sound foolish, guys. And having a senate panel on contraception that didn’t include women? Backing that moron who insisted that women have magic hoohoos that “can shut down rape babies”?

Guys…you have to cut the dead wood. When one of the flock says something STUPID, untrue, and embarrassing, you pull their membership from the club. You are no longer perceived as being intelligent, but conservative. A decade of Palin kissing, and pandering to tin hat idiots has left you looking WAY stupid. Oh yeah…and I hate to tell you this, but Reagan DIED. That wonderful hay day is long over…and even Ronnie would not have recognized what the party has become. You spent FOUR years trying to “wait out” Obama. You could have run almost anyone…other than Mitt Romney or the Klown Kar of insanity  he outlasted, and won. I asked then where the hell the Varsity was…time and again. I wasn’t being bitchy…I was asking a serious question.  And the answer was…crickets.

That was it? Where is your brain trust? They called Newt Gingrich the party INTELLECTUAL…and I thought it was Jon Stewart, pulling our leg.

But no…you meant it.

A few things could help you rebuild.

•Stop ignoring math and science.

•Stop pretending women and minorities don’t vote.

•Understand that Americans ALL work hard…not just the one’s who OWN the companies.

•Pay attention to stuff that’s EASY to predict…like the coming disaster with student loans—and try to deal with it NOW…before it cripples another generation financially.

•Look AHEAD…and stop worrying about the PACS…they aren’t going away…even if you actually DO YOUR job.

•Don’t say something you actually don’t BELIEVE…save the fetus and starve the child are diametrically opposed concepts. If you take that stance, we will assume you are idiots.

•Stop pretending that “business as usual” is some sort of plan for the future. The market melt down of 2008 showed us that Business is capable of HUGELY stupid decisions…and corporations really AREN’T people.

So…if you really want a shot at staying in the game…stop talking, and start THINKING. We got your message…and it was rejected.

Don’t offer us yesterday’s fish in today’s paper…we can smell the difference.

The first theft was music,
in the form of song.
I was cooking up a storm
in our first house,
singing along with a fave.
He walked in,
ignored my cheek
and walked upstairs
flipping the dial
to “something that didn’t
sound like crap.”
The song died in my throat,
and it was years
before I understood
that I never sang again
where he could hear.

The next thing was joy,
in the guise of
“Christ woman,
how can you wake up
so damned chipper?”
Repeat.
Followed by a chorus of
“you know when you laugh
like that, people look at you funny.”
And i strangled the giggle
rather than endure the stare
that said I was a loon.

Then came speech—
“haven’t you ever heard
of companionable silence?”
I had…but believed the meaning
was that both parties
were comfortable with it.
Guess I was notional at 30.

Then came sex—
a chorus of “not like that”,
or how come we can’t,
and it would have been better if you,
until I came to doubt
the touch of my hands,
the taste of my skin,
and slightest flex of my hips,
and only school girls needed
to mess with kissing.
Whatever was i thinking?

And when I could not bear
to give one more thing,
when i said enough
he looked at me with hard eyes,
and demanded to know
why I thought
I had ever given him one thing
he ever needed.

But that was all he took.